Friday, 25 April 2014

Déjà vu

It's been quiet here. Which usually means I've been over-thinking, journalling and taking a little extra time to just be... 

Twice I sat by the water alone these past two weeks. And the first time I felt the same freedom, anticipation and sense of possibility that I'd felt once before but far far from here. 

Much of the scene was the same - crashing waves and a deserted beach. Just me, my heart and my thoughts. And this time my camera. And despite the rolling in of the waves and the hum of the wind, I could feel the silence and hear my heart whispering to me.

...Change is here, now if you want it. Dream! Take a step forward, and then step back again if you need to. But do move! And love those tiny moments that propel you forward, don't just save all that loving for the final destination...

I kept thinking of the joy in beginning something new that can subdued by fear of what beginning could mean, could entail, could create... I kept thinking how ruling that fear can be. And I kept thinking that was just a thought, and a thought can be changed...

By the sea here I was so very aware that I was alone yet not lonely.
It was only as I walked away from the water that I noticed that small pile of sand nestled on the wooden post - yet to be blown away, yet to journey back to the sea. And it suddenly dawned on me that someone else had been here moments before me. And I hoped they saw what I saw, and felt even a little of what I felt. That now is the time. And I really am free to be me.


~ Adding to my reflections by the sea: images 16/52 and 17/52.

Friday, 18 April 2014

Her words, my heart & a dose of mother guilt

Sometimes in the midst of caring for my girls and working from home I beat myself up about not doing a good enough job at either role. 

Thing is somewhere deep down I do know I'm doing a good job at both roles. And for the most part I have this balance thing going pretty well... even if it means intentionally carving out time to make our memories and just be.

But, and this often strikes during school holidays (read now!), there's an emotional part of me that cringes when I step into another room to make a work call or tell miss four that she really does need to amuse herself for 10 minutes so mummy can put the finishing touches on an article, or when I hear myself saying "just one more minute" and then realising it's not the first time I've asked for that one minute more...

A few week's ago I asked miss four if I she would like to help me bake our bread - something she loves to do and we often do together. Her response: "Not right now Mummy. I'm doing my work, you'll need to wait ... just one minute." Cringe. Sigh. Guilt. I waited, and watched as she purposefully wrote numbers on her paper. She gave me all her attention and love when she was ready, one minute later. 

The day after I chatted with another mother about my feelings of guilt. I knew she was in a similar situation to me and was comforted when she admitted it crept up on her often too... She suggested that perhaps it was just part and parcel of being a working-from-home mum. And just as we were about to leave the conversation at that, another mum joined in, "Actually that guilt happened to me too. I still cringe, thinking I could have done more, shown them more, taught them more, been present more... and I chose to stay home with them until they went to school. I think it's just part and parcel with being a mum."

But is it? This guilt that nobody ever tells you about pre-kids, that stings horribly and is hard to erase. Does it have to be part of motherhood?

Yesterday I overheard miss four talking to miss two: "What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a mum that's just like my mum." And my first thought was: I must be doing something right. Maybe more than something. And truth is those words went and made my day.

I keep hoping my girls will remember when they're older that I was doing my best. And I hope that's enough. Because I suppose in the end that's all I can do. To trust myself, do my best, love fully and keep on collecting {and savouring} heart moments as I go.


Does mother guilt come your way too? x
{Image above taken by the super-talented Laura at Perla Photography x}


Monday, 14 April 2014

Inhale, exhale ~ 15/52

It's been pre-winter colds in our house this past week. And whenever that happens I'm so very conscious of how much I can't breathe. Breathing is such a big part of the meditation I do, and when my breath is short and struggling I feel it more than ever. By the sea this week was just a few minutes stopping here on our drive home. But it was enough time to inhale and exhale, and give thanks for being able to breathe big full beautiful breaths once again.


What are you most grateful for today?